そもそもは(2)

 だから私は勉強した。 小学校の頃から仲の良かった女友達が、当たり前のようにボーイフレンドを見つけ、やがて競うように初体験を済ませる中で、わたしは正直焦りもしたけど、こんな田舎町でわたしの初体験を捧げる男を見つけるのに腐心するくらいなら勉強したほうがマシ。 ほんと。
 案の定、その頃の女友達の中には、リベンジポルノっていうのかな、ケータイで撮られた素っ裸をネットで晒されて縁談がぶっ壊れた子も一人や二人じゃない。
 でも、だからといってエッチなことに興味がなかった訳じゃないよ。 いや〜、どっちかっていうと興味ありありだったほうデス。 ははは。 というか、多分どちらかというと早熟だったんじゃないかと。 小学生の頃に家でゴロゴロしてて、股間にたまたま布団があたったときにキュンとしたのは、多分かなり早かったと思う。 もちろん、まだそれはオナニーとかそんなんじゃなくて、あれ?あれれれ?何だろう、このウフンって感じ、ってくらいでしたよ。うん。
 そのうち、高学年になって初めて生理が来たときには、母親も含めて誰に頼る訳ではなく、そうか、これで男とエッチしたら妊娠してしまうかもしれないんだ、となぜか強く戒めに近い感情を保ってしまったのも、今から考えると多分ネットに好奇心を預けすぎたからなんだと思います。
 もうその頃には完全にオナニーに目覚めてて、勉強が終わった後のお風呂が気持ち良いの、と親に言いつつ、その直前に汚したあそこをキレイにしてたのは、ほぼ毎晩のことでした。 ゴメンナサイ。

 でも運命は意地悪。 中学生の頃に思いついた計画では、わたしは東京の大学に行って、そのまま就職。 当然一人暮らしだから、自由100%。 何より実家では絶対に不可能だったネットショッピングであんなものやそんなものを買い込んで、オナニー三昧できる、はずだったけど、そんな能天気な計画を本能的に見抜いたのか、両親は自宅から通える大学以外は進学させないということになりました。 ああ無情。 まあ、うちそれほど裕福じゃなかったから納得はしたけど。
 結局、地元の二流国立大に自宅から通う日々が四年間。 その間、ネットのあれこれを見ながら、想像と好奇心ばかり膨らませてながらも、自宅のベッドの中でイキ続けていたのでした。 洗濯担当は母ですから、オシャレというか、エッチな下着も買えないし、うん、念願叶って東京の大企業に就職が決まるまでは、ほんとフラストレーションの溜まった四年間でした。 ある意味あれって長い長〜い寸止めだったのかも。

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